Here I am, at 1:14 AM
Sleep is like the unicorn - It’s rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any. Dr. Seuss.
Can you tell by the title of this post where I am in the believability of this quote? I sit, semi-awake in a zombie-like psychosis of the in-between the world of the living, and the world of the safely and soundly AH-sleeping… So I am awake, and not soundly sleeping- I know the word AH-sleeping isn’t a real word, yet it sounds so comforting to me, several feet down the hall from where I am, there are sleeping people. How does that work?
Why am I awake? There is a song which was released in September, 1990 from a band called ‘Alias’ titled “More than words can say” -
The song starts out this way: “Here I am at six o’clock in the morning still thinking about you, it’s still hard, at six o’clock in the morning to sleep without you, and I know that it might seem too late for love, all I know - I need you now, more than words can say.”
Do you recall that song? I know that this band was most-likely referring to some romantic notion of missing his lover at six o’clock in the morning, but here I am thinking about these words, ‘It might seem too late for love… all I know is I need you now.’
With the Lord God, it is never too late for love, to receive His love, He may be asking you, or even me for that matter - Do you need Me now?
I am exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually, and I know that this happens, I know that these days happen and when they do - I am miserable to be around, I don’t like myself. Actually if I am honest in this last statement, it is not that I don’t like myself, I actually hate myself. But here I am at 1:28 in the morning, still thinking about something, those last words spoken about how someone I love dearly doesn’t trust me, or trying to discern my own feelings and thoughts about how to move forward in a positive manner? I don’t know what is going on in my head or spirit, but want to share thoughts with someone out there who may be reading this at some time down the road- someone who needs to know they are loved, someone who may be struggling in a very real way with thoughts of suicide because they are lonely, and wondering if they can be loved…
Is that you? Hold on at whatever time it is in the morning. God is holding on to you, He is saying to you, “Hold on to Me, daughter” or “Hold on to Me, son”
Will you hold on? If you struggle, go to the resources section of this website and click on the ABOUT page, and go to the middle of that page and click on the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255
Don’t struggle alone, reach out. Know you are loved, even in the darkest nights of the soul’s weeping in anguish.
Don’t give up! You have so much worth and are deeply loved by the Lord, and by others. Hold on!
I want to leave some encouraging Scripture about rest. These are for you, but, right now, these are also for me.
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30, NKJV).
Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep (Psalm 127:1-2, NKJV).
There are many who say, “Who will show us any good?” Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us. You have put gladness in my heart. More than in the season that their grain and wine increased. I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety (Psalm 4:6-8, NKJV).
And He said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest” (Exodus 33:14, NKJV).
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You (Isaiah 26:3, NKJV).
I don’t like who I am some days, lots of days actually. I plead with the Lord to take whatever this is from me, and sometimes I don’t hear Him, whereas other times He declares this truth “My grace is sufficient for you” (see 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). Yet, I am fearful in the darkest nights, or earliest mornings after being awake all night, that when I don’t hear from Him, or when He is strangely silent to my pleas for mercy, where my tears wet the pillows… I fear - Have you departed from me, O God? Please don’t leave me.
I am a pastor. I know that He will never leave me, nor forsake me (see Hebrews 13:5) - and yet even in this truth statement from my Lord, I fear, even though I know that I have not been given a spirit of fear… (see 2 Timothy 1:7) -
I still fear.
I cannot walk on my own, I can’t stand without the Lord, I can’t breathe without Him, and yet I am listening to the enemy gloat over me in His lies, but I start buying into them.
Here I am at 1:45 in the morning, still thinking about this, still writing about this, still fearful with anxieties. God are You with me, even now? Are you watching over me in this moment? I know You were there when I hurt my wife with those words. I know Your heart breaks when I don’t walk close to You, I know You saw the sin in my heart, the brokenness of my life expressed in manners which don’t please You, or bring You glory. I am so sorry.
The Word of God declares, how if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (see 1 John 1:8-9). Yet, even when I confess, the devil seeks to devour and destroy me with his lies, his murderous statements about my worth. I buy into them, and Here I am at 1:49 in the morning, still thinking about this.
O, Lord - forgive me of my life and anxious thoughts which displease You and cause others to walk in the opposite direction rather than run into Your arms and be set free.
What is the purpose of this blog?
I know that I am not the only broken individual who struggles, and the struggle is real! I am also a pastor and chaplain, I am supposed to lead people to hope, a place where freedom and healing can take place - and yet I am broken, I am lonely, I am often lost…
How can I lead so others can follow? Simple - by confessing to you all (whomever may read this, perhaps it will save your life?) that I am broken, that I am no different than you. I hurt, I have intrusive thoughts, I have deep dark foggy soul messes which cannot be healed in a conventional manner of taking sertraline or other mind-altering man-made mechanisms - but only through the timing of the Lord.
He loves me still in my broken-state -
Jesus I want to be healed of this, but I want to honor You first no matter what the outcome. You must increase in my life, and I must decrease (see John 3:30).
The struggle is real, and yet, here I am, at 1:57 in the morning, still thinking about this, still writing my thoughts about this, still crying out - Lord, I need You now - more than words can say, but I am not the only one:
There is someone reading this, who is wondering if they should live or die?
There is someone else scanning through this, wanting to leave a comment, but fearful someone will know that they also struggle.
There are others who are only reading from a certain point in this blog, a place which caught their eye, and now they feel relieved that someone else (me) feels like they feel, and this gives hope.
There are others who see the struggle from a pastor, and now, maybe they struggle even more… I don’t know, I have no idea.
WHAT I DO KNOW -
I need the Lord, now - more than words can say. Right now, in this moment, Lord, I need you!
Here I am, it’s 2 o’clock in the morning, and I’m still thinking about You Lord. I am lonely without You Lord. I need You now - more than words can say. I need You now.
Listen to these next words from the big hair band of the 1990’s (Alias) -
Here I am, I’m looking out my window, I’m dreaming about you. Can’t let you go, at six o’ clock in the morning, I feel you beside me.
Instead of inserting the thoughts of our spouse here, insert the Living God in those words.
Here I am, I’m looking out my window, I’m dreaming about You Lord. I can’t let You go, at six o’ clock in the morning, I feel You beside me.
He is with me, He sits next to me, resides and dwells in me, talks with me even though I can’t hear Him at times, because I am listening to other voices rather than taking on the healing balm of His voice and truth in my life…
He is with you, even now, whether it is six o’ clock in the morning, or 2:06 in the morning. No matter what time or location - He is with you.
PTSD can play mind-games - PTSD can cause sleepless nights, weary days, broken relationships, and much more than hypervigilance and intrusive thoughts.
But -
My God is able!
My God is stronger!
My God is mighty to save!
My God will never fail - He will never fail!
We can see the victory already through Jesus!
In the waiting - trust Him, trust His timing, trust His patience as He works things out. Trust that He knows better than your PTSD. He may be asking you something right now - are you able to hear through the wind and noise of the enemies lies?
I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth - Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:1-4, NKJV).
Here I am, at 2:12 in the morning, waiting patiently for You. I know that You O Lord will incline to me in Your timing, You will hear my cry of help come before You, You will bring me up out of this horrible pit, out of the miry clay of my despair, and place my feet firmly on the Rock of my salvation - which cannot be moved! I know You will establish my footsteps, and place a new song in my mouth and heart where others will see Your great and marvelous works, and trust in You O Lord Jesus!
This is my prayer, for myself, and all of you who struggle, who fear and are anxious.
He is near, He is not far from you. He is asking “Do you need Me now more than words can say?'“ - He is asking if you will cry out, are you desperate enough? O God, I can’t do this, I can’t win the battle that the enemy rages against my soul, I need You now - He will hear the desperate cry of the afflicted, He will bring you into a place where the enemy cannot gloat in lies over you, God is more than able, and He is more powerful than your worst, and darkest PTSD night.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, this is true, but there is a light shining forth from the empty grave where Jesus defeated all of your enemies and fears. He crushed the head of the enemy so he is powerless over you. Jesus is King, He wants to give you peace, rest, hope, and eternal life in His Name alone.
Please walk in this truth - you are loved by the Lord who gave Himself for you, for all of you.
Again, whatever the struggle may be, If you need help, know He is a very present help in times of need (see Psalm 46:1), also reach out to someone if you are battling in a dark place, call the hotline, reach out to a friend. Don’t walk alone.
Here I am, at three o’ clock in the morning… still thinking about You Lord.
Please leave a comment - let’s encourage each other.
