Grief Discussion

How do we process our grief? Whether through our unresolved PTSD, or trauma, or through loss such as death and dying? Let me offer a perspective on grief processing, that may help enlighten the discussions?

We in this Country do not process grief well, if at all. We, being a general statement of course - are not allowed, whether by our own hesitations and withdrawals, or through the customs and cultures of the United States - to process grief fully.

In my area of work, bereavement leave is offered, but must be taken within seven (7) days of the death of the loved one, and with that requirement there is also only four (4) days given to go through a process, albeit a partial process and an incomplete one at that.

So? How do we process our grief when the society does not place a proper perspective on it? How do we find healing in trauma, PTSD, death and dying or other maladies without the option and availability to take time to rest?

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross has written on grief work in her text entitled Death and Dying from 1969, and it is here where she first introduced her model and steps on the stages of grief and process. The five-steps according to her are denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance ... However even in these stages I find that most people don’t recognize that they are grieving, and don’t understand that grief work may, in fact take an entire lifetime to sort through.

These stages do set a platform to begin from however, and yet can be confusing for some people, and for others there may be an insensitivity to the stages themselves. In any event, we all have to identify with some or all of the emotions that come from death and loss and begin to process.

John James and Russell Friedman, founders of the Grief Recovery Institute submit, “We are ill-prepared to deal with death. We receive more education about simple first aid than we do about loss, death, divorce and emotional loss.” (website at bottom)

We are definitely ill-prepared and ill-equipped to deal with or process death, and other loss - if we are completely honest with ourselves and others. The education we receive through books such as the Ross model, and other noted published works on death and loss cannot ever prepare us for a spiritual, emotional, physical battle of the loss. Our soul has been impacted, our lives have been changed without remedy for such loss. How can we process our grief?

Our grief work is going to be similar but unique from the work others may have to be confronted with, and yet the process is imperative to the healing journey. We can never heal completely while our boots are on the ground here on this planet (unless the Lord heals us completely). Our loved ones will die. Our lives will change. It is impossible to process this type of loss on an earthly level, while they are now in a spiritual realm. We feel loss, we feel emptiness, and as one insightful person expressed to me recently - some people may feel like an orphan with the loss of both parents.

The Bible offers some insight here, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-15, NKJV).

If we sleep, (a euphemism for death here as Paul writes) - in Christ then our death or our departure from this earthly vessel is only for an instant, because we are then more alive on the other side of this life - we have eternity.

Paul continues on with further considerations, “For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus, we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words” (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18, NKJV).

There will be death here, it is unavoidable, in fact in this life - no one gets out of it alive. How do we process our own pending understanding of our physical death while we still walk in the grief process of others who have gone on before us? If we have a relationship with God through the finished work of the cross of Christ, we can see hope on the other side of this planet which is perishing. In heaven Jesus is preparing for us a mansion (see John 14).

I recently spoke with a family who was continuing through the grief process, (it is a continuous process). They said that their loved one accepted Jesus, and that gave them peace.

Peace is a part of the grief discussion; we can find peace in the journey even when we know that the “just get over it” mentality of the modern-day culture is prevalent. We can never get over the loss through the death of a loved one, or the multiple losses and complicated grief we will experience in life, and yet it is possible to have a peace that passes our understanding as we continue in our journey.

We must have the discussions. Those things which the world tells us to stay silent about, suicide, death, and other difficult topics must be spoken about in a loving and careful manner - with compassion. We as a community should be coming together to find commonalities, to find comfort together, and yet we are rather seeking to press the process into a box of bereavement for four days, and then get back to the grind of work and career.

What we are seeing now is a pandemic of mental health concerns, and concerns within family members of loved ones who have completed suicides, themselves now perhaps having an increased risk of suicide. There are case studies, research models, and ongoing clinical writings and interviews surrounding and revolving around this very understanding.

Evidence that suicide can run in families has been found within a well-known case from Ernest Hemingway, five-members over four generations died from completed suicides. There are other studies from clinical patients and community samples that have consistently demonstrated a significantly higher risk for suicidal behavior among family members of suicide victims, and those who have attempted (Gold et al., 1996; Kendler et al., 1997).

Yet with all the research into these areas from 1969 - present, and new techniques, books and approaches - we are still not able to process well for the most part, we still seek to remain quiet and closed off to the areas where we truly should and must find a safe place to process our grief.

We must talk about things, even if they are the things which “go without saying" - they must be said. We have to be real, and relational in a world full of mobile device communications and carpel-thumbo texting. How is this done? We need to relearn the things about relationship that we have set aside for the conveniences we now know. We need to learn (again) how to have those conversations with others, and we must be vulnerable and honest.

Those are very difficult areas to contemplate, let-alone navigate. They really are, especially in the A.I. (artificial intelligence) world we walk in and live in every day. I encourage you, if you suffer with intrusive thoughts of PTSD, find a safe place and person or group of people to open up within. If you struggle with finding hope through loss, whether loss through death, or multiple deaths, or continuous grief - let me hold on to some hope for you if you cannot find it presently. Find hope, don’t give up holding on to hope for your journey, but continue to be on the journey.

Grief work is like an ocean. The tide may be out, or the tide may be in. The waters may be crashing into the shore, or the waves may be only a ripple, the water may be perfectly still and calm. In all this the truth is - the water is always there, just like the working of our love through grief. Please don’t fight your grief, walk through it, the tides may be deep at the present, the waves crashing, yet I can impress this upon you - the waters will become a ripple one day, or you may find calmness as you can see the reflection of your loved one, you will have laughter and peace, hurt, agony and pain. This is a part of the journey to embrace not run away from.

We must continue to have the discussions, but not be forced into them. Find a place to be alone, find some places to be with loved ones, take time for you, and find sacred peace with others. Let those you care about know that you hurt, and perhaps you may not be able to put words to that hurt (that is okay), be honest and although being vulnerable opens a risk for hurt and heartache - it also opens the heart for more love to fill your soul.

Take the risk, have the discussions, embrace the grieving you will go through. Don’t give it a time-frame and know that it is alright to not be alright as you press forward.

You are loved.

The Shocking Truth About Elisabeth-Kubler Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief - Open to Hope