Struggle
The struggle is real, isn’t it? I know how real it can be from one day to the next. Diagnostic terms such as ‘Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s)’ (as found in DSM-V, 2013 page 271) jump out at me, and often latch onto me in such painful ways which cannot find words. I struggle with avoidance of the traumatic episode(s), the desperate scene of the accident which took that sweet and precious life in 1991. I have had (and am still experiencing) moments of avoiding the distressing memories, and so many other diagnostic features that counselors, clinicians, diagnosticians, and laypeople alike have labeled me with, it is distressing to hear, and further distressing to continue to relive and re-experience.
Do you know what I am talking about? The struggle is real, the struggle to avoid talking about it can be a source of distress itself. I am coming off a week, a month or two just like this - I am struggling. Why?
I have taken my eyes off the Healer, the lover of my soul, and placed them back into the pain and distress. I do this often, and with guilt and shame. I think that these are all from the Devil, the hater and accuser of our lives. Have you heard him speak to you? Have you heard his lies, and bought into them? Have you struggled to find hope and purpose because you look into the mirror of past shame which Jesus died on the cross to take away? I have - I am today, even as I write this - but in order to find hope and healing, we need to be real not only with others, but with ourselves and with Jesus especially.
Lord, I am struggling, I am broken. I have taken my eyes, and my hope off from you, and placed it on me and the things which can never satisfy. I am struggling in the loneliness I feel, I am struggling with the isolation I cause and bring onto myself and others. I am struggling with the worthlessness I feel. I know the enemy is a liar, and no truth is in him (John 8:44), and I know that all truth is found in you (John 14:6). Why am I struggling? Why do I take my eyes off you and look to the things of the world to satisfy (1 John 2:15-17)? I need you to put me into my right mind - which can only happen through your love and timing as you purpose. I ask myself the question, “Do I want to be made well” (John 5:6)? I am confounded by the answer sometimes, “I don’t know” or “Yes, but perhaps not right now, because I want to stay in the mirey clay that holds me down in this place” or “Yes, Lord, I do, but I know I will just go back to being that guy again, so why bother healing me Jesus?”
Whatever the answer, can I truly say, “Jesus You are good, no matter if you heal me, or choose not to heal me of this stuff, this PTSD label, or depression, or whatever it is that hasn’t been diagnosed… You are still good, you are good alone, and You are God! I trust you…” I desperately want to say this at all times, and often, I am unable to. It is not because it isn’t true, but because I am broken and cannot get out of my own way. He is gracious in those times. He is merciful, and tender. I need to learn to be more like my Lord and Savior!
In the struggle, we don’t have to sin, but often we do. I do. I need to come clean before the Lord, and others that I sin, confess that to Him, and know that He will cleanse me and forgive me (1 John 1:9). I also need to get right back with Him, and know that in me nothing good dwells, and He is my righteousness, and the Hope living in me. I am broken in my struggle a lot of the time. This has been a difficult week (month…year) and I know that I am broken. I need to be real in the struggle, and then let Jesus have it. What about you?
When was the last time you and I were completely honest with ourselves and others? How about with Jesus? He knows the struggle, He sees the pain and if you listen, really listen in the stillness of whatever you are struggling with, you will hear Jesus crying out to you that he has never left you, he has never forsaken you, and you can come to him boldly in your time of need and desperation. He will be closer to you than a brother - He is already closer to you; can you hear him beckoning to you even now?
He truly is the lover of our lives and the only one who understands our pain, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally - not only does Jesus understand, but He can also heal us, He can bring us peace that satisfies and unites us with Him! Oh, Jesus thank you for your love for me and others who struggle so much!